Horse O' War: King Yudhisthira's Horse leading Arjuna into Battle The story that I am about to tell you is one that has yet to be told in its original context. By now you are well aware of the story of the moon-white horse with a plate of gold strapped to its head. You know, the one that the army of Arjuna followed for a year, conquering rajah after rajah? Well, there are several very important aspects of that story that all but a very few are unaware of. For starters, it may seem that the horse had very little to do with the many victories that Arjuna experienced, for I am just a simple horse, wandering around the land. That is where you are wrong. But, it is not your fault as the reader, it is more my fault for keeping such a low profile in this story for so many centuries. Who am I, you might be asking? Well, let me tell you. I am Skanda, the firstborn son of Shiva, and the god of war, and during these particular events told in The Mahabharata I was stru
Hi Taylor! I really like the concept of your story! There were a few grammatical errors that can easily be fixed. I also would suggest bringing more details in the story to make it longer. You could explain the characters and the garland in a little more detail and tell the readers how they look using words. You could give Indra a purpose for riding his elephant through the kingdom. Was he delivering a message to someone or just taking a stroll? Was he interrupted by the sage while trying to complete an important task? Also, what made the sage give the garland to Indra? Was he being rewarded for something? Did the sage know Indra personally? I also thought the text was a little hard to read with the background image. It might be easier to read if the background image was a little lighter and the text was bolded.These are just some suggestions I think would make your story the best version of itself! I look forward to reading more of your stories throughout the semester! Great job on your site!
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor, I really enjoyed reading your story about the Indra and the Sage. Your story was good but you can make it better by giving more detail about the story. Wow, I like how you picked the background story of how the Great Churning started it was I opener for me because I didn’t know how the Great Churning started. I wonder Why Sage Durvasa Muni stop Indra who was riding his elephant Airavata and gave Indra the gift of garland? What did he do to deserve a present from Sage Durvasa Muni? And why was Airavata was able to show that Indra had a lot of egos? What if you added more detailed wars about the Devas and Asuras then it would have been really interesting to read this story because then you find out how the war progressed and at what point the Devas consulted with Lord Brahma to find a solution to this war.
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor! I read Chapter 1: Indra and the Sage from your portfolio. First of all, I liked the picture you chose, it really represents the story well and shows directly what the characters looked like. The story is solid, but it's pretty short. I liked that it presented a lot of information even with it being short though. I really would have liked to read about the churning of ocean milk, since the story kind of leaves it as a cliffhanger. Other than that, I think some background information would have been nice to have, either within the story or as an author's note. For example, stuff like 'why did the sage give Indra the garland?' and 'what exactly is the Amrita?' were questions I had during the story. Anyways, I like how the story was told in such a way that it seemed like it could actually be from a book about Indra. The writing style seems pretty authentic.
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor! First off, I love the layout of your page. I know that seems like a silly comment, but I think that having the image take up the entire background of your first story really intensifies the story. I love that this story sets the stage for the rest of your stories. I think that you could maybe change the title to make it more clear that this is an introduction (if it is). I like the idea of making your website read like a book with chapter numbers and titles, but I also think that it could be important to label the introduction. You could even keep the subtitle of "Indra and the Sage." I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories. I am fascinated by creation myths across cultures, so I think you did a great job picking this topic. Good luck with the rest of your writings!
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor, I just got done taking a look over your storybook project. I love the way your site looks so far, especially the "wallpaper" like background of the "chapter 1". It really gives the page a lot of color along with giving some cool visuals that help the reader. I think that it might be a good idea to put more information on your title post to give us readers a little more information about what we are going to read about. Right now all we really have to go off of is the title. If you were to introduce an abstract of types it would be really helpful. I really like that you have some information in your first story about what foreign words mean. I definitely didn't know the meaning of Sri so that was very helpful. I think you have a great basis for a good site here and if you just add some information you will be in great shape.
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor! I think you have a really interesting project going here. I think your front page could use an introduction to your story to draw readers in and make them want to read more. The picture looks like it could be interesting but I think it might be clipped or too enlarged because I can't really tell what it is a picture of. I like your stories and they tell interesting stories, but it might be useful to introduce your characters to the reader in case they aren't familiar with their mythology. I like your second story a lot and its not a horrible thing to stick close to the source material. There is a reason why people found the stories interesting in the first place. I think you should consider adding a little substance to the first story, but besides that I think they are both well written.
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the look of your site as soon as it loaded, the picture really begins to set the tone and immerse the reader in the story. I liked that you said what the Samudra Manthan was and gave an outline for what to expect for each of your chapters in your storybook. You did a good job explaining the details of the story so far! I noticed that sometimes you gave detail on a character but other times you didn't, so it might just be good practice to explain who a character is each time you introduce them because I knew some of the characters from the readings, but not all of them. I did notice a couple of typos here and there, and my best recommendation for that is to either read out loud or even just paste your story into Word and let it catch some of the grammar mistakes for you! Overall, you did a really great job and I learned a lot reading your stories!
Hey there, Taylor!
ReplyDeleteThis was an awesome topic for a storybook project. I had not come across this at all so far during this course. I was really excited to check out something new with your storybook. The firs thing I noticed was how great your layout for the storybook page looked. The background image was really great and reminded me a lot of Greek Mythology. I think it is cool how many similarities can be found between the two. The home page does a great job setting the stage for the stories to follow. It provides sufficient background info about the topic and gives the reader a little taste of what to expect. I think this is one of the most important pieces of the project. It can really suck the reader in and make them excited to check out the rest of the project. I like how you decided to stick close the source with your stories. I agree with you here. I think it is vital to stick to the source when retelling a story of this magnitude.
Hey Taylor! First off, the layout and graphics of your project are really good. I think they correspond perfectly to your overall theme, which really sets the stories from the reader. I really liked your introduction on you homepage. This was a great way to give your readers a little taste of what your project is like. The first thing I noticed was the background image when I visited your first story. I really like the idea of using the image as the whole background. I feel like this could easily look cluttered, but the way you arranged it and the color scheme is perfect! It really contributes to overall creative aspect of your project. Your first story is really good, but I could not find your authors note. I personally do not remember the original story, so it would have been nice to have a brief refresher and then see how you decided to change the story and why you chose to retell this particular story. Overall, both of your stories were really good. I did not notice any grammatical errors. Great job and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHi Taylor.
ReplyDeleteI read your project, and I especially enjoyed the images that you provided. However, from the perspective of someone who knows little-to-nothing about the original source work, I honestly felt a little lost. There's a bit of jargon to these myths, isn't there? If you haven't already heard these stories and if you don't already know the names/identities of the characters, you will likely be lost. They have to be broken down almost like you would for a child in Vacation Bible school.
I feel like your portfolio might benefit from a bit of simplification. Watch for jargon, and make sure that you elaborate when you have to use it. The best way to do this is to read your project to a friend or family member who knows absolutely nothing about it, and then ask them to summarize or retell what you've read to them. If they're unable to do that, it's likely that it hasn't been explained in a way that a layman will understand.
Hi Taylor! I like the way you set up your site, and as other commenters have said you found very interesting images to share. However, it looks like some settings are wrong for how your bibliography for Chapter 3 are displayed because they show up at the bottom of every page.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading about this part of the Hindu beliefs since it was not one of the required readings for the course, and I chose to read other things for the optional readings. One thing I noticed was that there were some consistency issues from one story to the next. For instance, in Chapter 1 the Devas are preparing to churn the ocean to regain their powers, but in Chapter 2 you begin with "In order for the Asuras to regain their powers..." Another issue like this is that Indra's elephant Airavata emerges from the ocean as it is being churned, but in Chapter 1 Airavata is the one that tramples the garland starting all the trouble for the Devas. Maybe you could explain how this is possible.
Hey, Taylor, I was drawn to your project because I'm super interested in creation myths from different cultures and where they do or do not overlap. Your banner image on your homepage is great because it is engaging and draws the reader in. I really enjoyed your three stories and I think you did a good job of conveying your concept but I found myself wishing your stories were a bit longer. The stories are awesome, especially the battle sequence in chapter 3. You managed to really capture the essence of a battle (i.e. the line about the "ringing of steel and calls of distress"). Descriptions seem to be your strong suit. There were a few places where your wording was a little awkward and that could be fixed by reading the stories out loud to catch any of those moments. My other suggestion would be to add a character list to the author's note on your first story or homepage so that people can keep all of the characters straight. Anyway, well done!
ReplyDeleteHi there, Taylor!
ReplyDeleteOverall, your page is great! I think that your images add so much to each of your stories. Maybe you could put the image in the body of the story so we can see all of the small details. I feel like that could add even more to your story!
Another suggestion I have it to go back and add in a tad bit more description so your reader can follow easier. Remember that not everyone has read the original, so it's easy to get a little lost without that background info. Along with this, I would go a bit more in depth on your author's note. Rather than saying it's similar to the original, let us know what the original was a bit more. This may eliminate some confusion for your reader.
Other than those little details, I feel as though you have a great story put together! Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHey there, Taylor! How are you! Nice Portfolio site you have there. I really like that you have the picture of space on the home page it just look really good with your portfolio. I also really like the topic you picked to write a story on the Churning of the Ocean and it an interesting topic talk about because Deva and Asuras got lot of things from Churning of the Ocean. I am Indian and I personally know some story of Churning of the Ocean but not a lot but when reading this story that you wrote it opened my mind. And I also like the part where goddess Lakshmi came out form Churning of the ocean and all the Asuras wanted to marry her but it wasn’t Asuras turn to pick her and she became the wife of Vishnu and if you know Lakshmi had a sister to but she was embodiment of unfortunate so no body really pick her when she came from Churning.
Hey Taylor! The Samudra Manthan was such a great storybook to read. It can't believe today is the last day for revisions. As you start thinking about the last minute touches to your portfolio, I would like you to say that you have done a great job so far! As I was looking at the site, I noticed that your stories seemed very short. Was this your intention? I would suggest to had more detail to develop the characters more. By the time I read your first story, I felt like it was still starting when you ended it. I think that if you added maybe 100 more words in detail would really add to the value to the content of the story. What originally gave you the idea to focus onThe Mahabharata? Did you prefer this story to the other? Also, I didn't really pay much attention to the Great Churning in the epics, so this was refreshing to read.
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